The elephant in the room - I'm single now
This year has been one hell of a year. I'm starting a whole project and posting lots of content in the new year based around self development, my 2019, and my mental health. But I feel that there is a huge elephant in the room that has to be addressed. Because tip toeing around it whilst trying to talk openly about my mental health and this past year, isn't really working.
Everything leads back to the elephant. Because that's where my epiphany happened. More on that soon.
So here goes.
2019 was the worst year of my life. But I feel like it's unfair to say that because I spent 2019 making amazing memories with someone I love very dearly. And I was happy then. Or so I thought.
I'm not saying I wasn't happy with my boyfriend because I most definitely was. But I somewhat used him in the way American's use duck tape -a temporary fix for something that actually needs some serious TLC.
Please note, I am not saying the relationship was fake.
I had just entered my mental breakdown as he came into my life, and he gave me happiness in an otherwise very dark time. He very quickly became my reason to get up in the morning, my reason to fight etc etc... then he became the one thing I was desperately clinging onto to convince myself not to end it all.
I was very happy when I was with him. But when we were apart I was numb, lost, empty and swallowed entirely by depression.
Which lead to the relationship to become toxic and unhealthy because I relied on him to keep me alive.
He realised this and tried to breakup up with earlier on in the year.
I managed to convince him I could get a grip on my mental health, that I would start to get better and it would be okay. We would be okay.
We did become okay. I started working on myself, started getting better, and the relationship became so much healthier and happier and everything was great.
Really great.
But, what I didn't realise was that I was rebuilding myself within his life. My new social life was based on his friends (who did become my friends too, but without him...they wouldn't have come about.)
I got a new job that was right near his house, and was the same line of work he was in.
Everything in my life was a reflection of his life.
So when we broke up in October, the life I had built inside of his, came crumbling down.
I had used him (unintentionally) as a band-aid, to cover my depression with a new life, but what I needed, and neglected myself from, was to simply just fix myself. I never did that.
Once we'd broken up I lost the job that was too near his house and too far from mine, my social life came to an abrupt end, and my sense of self...?
Who was I?
I didn't know a "me" outside of him.
I couldn't go back to "the old me" because she was focussed on nursing and well, that's not a thing anymore.
So, who the hell was I?
I had nothing.
No identity.
As much as I love him, and always will do in some kind of way, the break up was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was at the bottom of bottoms. And I had two choices: give up, or go up.
Many times I nearly opted for the first choice.
But something in me snapped one day, and I wish I could say "something snapped and I became a new person overnight"
I didn't.
I am fighting every
Damn
Day
To create a new life for myself.
It's not easy, I've had to drag myself out of my pit, force myself to eat when I heaved on every bite of food, force myself to change my clothes, to brush my hair, to shower.
Then things got a bit better once I cared for myself again. So I started surrounding myself with positive things, inspiring people, moving quotes. I applied to new career opportunities, got into contact with old friends.
And
Built
Myself
Up.
I had spent so much time with my (now ex) boyfriend, that I stopped spending time in my own head-space, stopped loving me, stopped asking myself what I actually wanted out of life.
I realise now how much I'd let myself go in every aspect of my life, and that's what had motivated me to get better - for real this time.
I had to address this topic. So that my end of the year posts would make sense, because I will be talking a lot about how low I've been this year and how high I've the past few months as I learnt to live again. But it just felt too selfish to write posts on my mental health struggles when I've actually had some genuine, amazing and beautiful memories with Joe. The relationship was real, and non toxic once I'd got a grip on myself. It was just the case where, when you love someone you put so much time and effort into them... they are your person. So of course your life will become so ridiculously entangled with theirs. They say partners are your "other half" for a reason.
I just needed to be in my own space and be reminded of who I am for me to overcome my mental breakdown. Which again, I had never allowed myself to do.
But the relationship was amazing. I had the best year with him. When I say in future posts that this was the worst year of my life - I'm talking about my own, personal struggles.
So, there. The elephant is addressed.
Shan x
Everything leads back to the elephant. Because that's where my epiphany happened. More on that soon.
So here goes.
2019 was the worst year of my life. But I feel like it's unfair to say that because I spent 2019 making amazing memories with someone I love very dearly. And I was happy then. Or so I thought.
I'm not saying I wasn't happy with my boyfriend because I most definitely was. But I somewhat used him in the way American's use duck tape -a temporary fix for something that actually needs some serious TLC.
Please note, I am not saying the relationship was fake.
I had just entered my mental breakdown as he came into my life, and he gave me happiness in an otherwise very dark time. He very quickly became my reason to get up in the morning, my reason to fight etc etc... then he became the one thing I was desperately clinging onto to convince myself not to end it all.
I was very happy when I was with him. But when we were apart I was numb, lost, empty and swallowed entirely by depression.
Which lead to the relationship to become toxic and unhealthy because I relied on him to keep me alive.
He realised this and tried to breakup up with earlier on in the year.
I managed to convince him I could get a grip on my mental health, that I would start to get better and it would be okay. We would be okay.
We did become okay. I started working on myself, started getting better, and the relationship became so much healthier and happier and everything was great.
Really great.
But, what I didn't realise was that I was rebuilding myself within his life. My new social life was based on his friends (who did become my friends too, but without him...they wouldn't have come about.)
I got a new job that was right near his house, and was the same line of work he was in.
Everything in my life was a reflection of his life.
So when we broke up in October, the life I had built inside of his, came crumbling down.
I had used him (unintentionally) as a band-aid, to cover my depression with a new life, but what I needed, and neglected myself from, was to simply just fix myself. I never did that.
Once we'd broken up I lost the job that was too near his house and too far from mine, my social life came to an abrupt end, and my sense of self...?
Who was I?
I didn't know a "me" outside of him.
I couldn't go back to "the old me" because she was focussed on nursing and well, that's not a thing anymore.
So, who the hell was I?
I had nothing.
No identity.
As much as I love him, and always will do in some kind of way, the break up was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was at the bottom of bottoms. And I had two choices: give up, or go up.
Many times I nearly opted for the first choice.
But something in me snapped one day, and I wish I could say "something snapped and I became a new person overnight"
I didn't.
I am fighting every
Damn
Day
To create a new life for myself.
It's not easy, I've had to drag myself out of my pit, force myself to eat when I heaved on every bite of food, force myself to change my clothes, to brush my hair, to shower.
Then things got a bit better once I cared for myself again. So I started surrounding myself with positive things, inspiring people, moving quotes. I applied to new career opportunities, got into contact with old friends.
And
Built
Myself
Up.
I had spent so much time with my (now ex) boyfriend, that I stopped spending time in my own head-space, stopped loving me, stopped asking myself what I actually wanted out of life.
I realise now how much I'd let myself go in every aspect of my life, and that's what had motivated me to get better - for real this time.
I had to address this topic. So that my end of the year posts would make sense, because I will be talking a lot about how low I've been this year and how high I've the past few months as I learnt to live again. But it just felt too selfish to write posts on my mental health struggles when I've actually had some genuine, amazing and beautiful memories with Joe. The relationship was real, and non toxic once I'd got a grip on myself. It was just the case where, when you love someone you put so much time and effort into them... they are your person. So of course your life will become so ridiculously entangled with theirs. They say partners are your "other half" for a reason.
I just needed to be in my own space and be reminded of who I am for me to overcome my mental breakdown. Which again, I had never allowed myself to do.
But the relationship was amazing. I had the best year with him. When I say in future posts that this was the worst year of my life - I'm talking about my own, personal struggles.
So, there. The elephant is addressed.
Shan x
Comments
Post a Comment