floating in the clouds

 I had the world's most stressful day yesterday, when I woke up I had a little upset with my family, so feeling quite low I'd decided to stay in bed and watch the new Umbrella Academy series (OBSESSED BTW), I then had my apprenticeship mentor call me because she hadn't heard from me in months and I haven't handed any work in - which in the midst of a global pandemic, I had completely forgotten I was supposed to be doing work at home. So that really stressed me out and made me feel like I wasn't good enough for my job and that I fail at everything - you know, that wonderful way the mind works where it spirals mountains out of mole hills. I then had a harassment phone call from a debt I had completely forgotten about (more stress), and while I was on the brink of losing it all I then had a missed call from work because they want me to go back next week!!! And everything collapsed onto me, stress has a funny thing of just happening all at once and crushing you until yo...

It's mental health awareness week this week, and it's been a hot minute since I've posted on my blog. Quarantine isn't leaving much in the way of blog inspiration at the moment.  I wanted to talk today about a side of depression a lot of people dismiss, or pretend doesn't exist. I see a lot of people talking about the feelings of depression and how it effects your life, but not much of the uncomfortable, dirty side of it.  Depression is foul. It is dirty and messy and not at all glamorous. It is obviously different for different people but I want to talk about my experiences with it today. I'll add a quick trigger warning here, I talk about the dark side of depression and glaze over suicidal thoughts/feeling like giving up. I made myself sad when I wrote this, but that's probably because I'm writing from memory. If you could get triggered by this I suggest you don't read on. Depression leaves me un-showered for up to three weeks. Wearing the same clo...

Sometimes one bad day can make all the good days feel worthless. Sometimes you can spend weeks working on yourself and bettering yourself and trying to build a stronger person, and it works. You build this strong, healthy person who has a more positive outlook on things, and then, one bad day. It's funny -but really just infuriating, how that works. How can you spend so much time on yourself and have weeks of feeling good, only to have this one bad day be so powerful and overwhelming it's like none of the other weeks counted? Like none of the other weeks meant anything. A harsh reminder that you're not okay. A deep, dark pit in your stomach telling you that the weeks of work you put into your mental health was a facade, a trick to keep your mind occupied until the next wave of depression hit. The gut wrenching feeling of -is this it? Is my life going to filled with these periods of time where everything feels fine, only to be set on fire and burned to the ground when...

I wrote half of this post out months ago. It's a very hard one to write, and even harder to decide if it should be published. But I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life right now, and I kinda want to start afresh and I feel this post needs to go up so I can be completely transparent on here. I have mentioned in other posts that my mental health hasn't been on par this year but I really want to sit down and talk about it properly. It's going to be a long post, but it's something I feel is detrimental to my journey and moving onto to my next chapter. My mental health this year caused me to drop out of uni, it made me fall out of love with nursing and caring for people. After identifying myself as a "nurse" for so long and being a carer for four years which I absolutely adored, that suddenly turning into the biggest cause of my panic attacks and mood dips, has absolutely broken my heart. But people change, I'm only 21 and I have so much to learn and ...