floating in the clouds

 I had the world's most stressful day yesterday, when I woke up I had a little upset with my family, so feeling quite low I'd decided to stay in bed and watch the new Umbrella Academy series (OBSESSED BTW), I then had my apprenticeship mentor call me because she hadn't heard from me in months and I haven't handed any work in - which in the midst of a global pandemic, I had completely forgotten I was supposed to be doing work at home. So that really stressed me out and made me feel like I wasn't good enough for my job and that I fail at everything - you know, that wonderful way the mind works where it spirals mountains out of mole hills. I then had a harassment phone call from a debt I had completely forgotten about (more stress), and while I was on the brink of losing it all I then had a missed call from work because they want me to go back next week!!! And everything collapsed onto me, stress has a funny thing of just happening all at once and crushing you until yo...

I'm writing this post completely on a whim. I've just been sat in bed scrolling through my phone, wearing my boyfriend's hoodie, and I buried my face into its hood because it smells just like him and it gave me such an overwhelming feeling of comfort. And then, boom, this post idea sprang to mind. I wouldn't say I'm having a particularly bad day, but definitely not a good one either. It's just been one of those days where no matter how many times I get out of bed I seem to be drawn back to it after an hour or two. I'm feeling delicate today and in need of anything that gives me comfort, so I wrote down a list of things that give me comforts to share on this post today.  Certain smells, fabrics, scents and tastes give you a sense of comfort and can transport you to a place much better than the one you're currently in. I use this technique a lot with disassociation, which is something I really struggle with (disassociation is where your mind becomes discon...

And then suddenly it was May. I thought I'd do a little goals update post today, it's already been 4 whole months since we were making resolutions in January and this year has panned out to be a little different than expected... April turned out to be a very welcome wake up call for me. I found I'd lost sight of a lot of my goals and got sucked into the "people pleaser" side of myself again. So after reaffirming my goals, teaching myself to be selfish again and opening up about things I've been dealing with privately for a very long time, I'm ready to have a look at my goals and start making some new smaller ones to achieve my overall bigger picture. Going to add a quick trigger warning here, in my "become stronger" paragraph, I'm going to briefly talk about disordered eating and body issues, so skip that section if it could cause harm to you. Other than that, here's a review of my goals: Write more So one of my goals this year w...

Everyone seems to have this perception that, your mental breakdown ends and then you just start building your life back up again. I had that perception. I thought, I have my new job, my amazing friends, and a new found self love in myself. I can start building my life up again. I can build on what I've done so far and work on getting myself back to normal. I'm coming to the realisation it's not quite that simple. I've gone straight into a full time job after barely working for a whole year, and I thought it would be fine. But I didn't realise that actually, I've been quite ill, and like any other illness, going straight into a strenuous full time job is going to take a toll on your body after having so much time off. It's been a shock to the system and my head is exhausted from all the new stuff that's been thrown at it and the constant non existence of my comfort zone as I push myself everyday to get back to everyday life. That then lead me...

I feel as though I'm really neglecting my blog at the moment, I've been so consumed by my new job I haven't been thinking of posts to write, I haven't had that "I could make this into blog post" mindset and my blog has, in turn, took a backseat in my mind. Today's post however is being brought to you because I've had an odd sort of few weeks. I've been experiencing intense anxiety resulting in me dropping off the face of the planet, ghosting my friends, and being confined to my bedroom whenever I'm not working.  I wouldn't say I feel particularly out of control of my mental health, however decided that today I would make a trip to the doctors and see what they thought. And here I am now making this post. The most important goal for me this year is to fall back in love with life, to gain my life back, and work wholly on myself. I had a goal to come off of my antidepressants this year, and after today I had to a bit of a kick in the t...