Good riddance, 2019

And just like that, 2019 finally comes to a close. It's been a tough year for almost everyone I know. But it's also been a year of growth and healing. I've been at my absolute lowest points this year, but also experienced some of my biggest highs.  One moment that really stood out was when I was in Ibiza watching the sun set on the Old Town, I was sat on a roof of a building at the top of the city. I had this "infinite" feeling and actually said "It's so weird that things like depression and mental health exist in the world when there are also nights like these that exist" because in that moment it felt so impossible that I could ever have depression knowing the world was this beautiful.

However two weeks later I was actually desperately clinging on to reasons to live as though that night had never happened.

I thought this post was going to be sad. I've been through a hell of a lot this year and I thought I was here to reflect on how miserable I've been. But actually, I've done so much this year. So I'm taking a different approach to my end of year post...

I started this year trying so hard to stay in a degree/career I thought I wanted, but was eternally miserable. Instead of "quitting" as to put it, I found the courage in me to choose myself and my mental health over that career, and left it behind.

I was brave enough to leave my job and put my manager in her place after weeks of being bullied by them.

I was confident enough to keep fighting, through my struggle with antidepressants, counselling, and my constant inner battle with myself.

I was strong enough to find my feet and place in the world again after losing absolutely everything I could lose in just one year.
I was smart enough to leave behind relationships with people who were not good for me.

Depressing, but very real stuff aside... here's all the fun I had in 2019.

I actually had a lot of adventures in 2019. I've been to quite a few places around the UK this year, Sheffield, Coventry, Nottingham and London for huge shopping sprees, and the following places where I took photos of our travels...
Everywhere I went this year was a new place. Despite being to Sheffield and Nottingham before I explored new parts of it this year that I'd never been to.

The above and below photos were taken in London. We stayed for a weekend for imbibe (an alcohol trade show) it was an amazing weekend filled with new experiences and a gorgeous city.

 

 Below photo was taken at a Bon Jovi concert in Coventry during another weekend away. I have grown up being told that I'd "never know a real concert until I went to a Bon Jovi one" my mum and dad were huge fans of the band and as was I. This was a really important day for me. Absolutely surreal experience.

 Above and below photos were taken in Cromer, Norfolk. A place I'd wanted to visit for years. The beach has always been my happy place and this beach was just beautiful, as was this church.

 We also visited Wells-next-the-sea which was also a gorgeous little seaside town.

 Another beach I went to was Brighton. A massive bucket list place for me. This was definitely a year full of beaches. I went in February but the weather was beautiful.

 Of course I was also graced by Devon's beaches this summer. I was blindsided by how beautiful Devon was, and this statue is amazing.

 The last place I traveled to this year was Ibiza, which was the most beautiful place I've ever been to.

 Below was also taken in Ibiza on a sunset cruise.

 From Ibiza I hopped straight onto another holiday with my family to Butlins which is always great.

Other adventures this year lead me to taking these amazing photos below, all were from amazing, memorable days out.

I also FINALLY got my first tattoo!! And then two more. All three have important meanings to me.

This was the first tattoo I got, on my ribs. At the start of this post I described a moment I felt "infinite" As someone who has always struggled with mental health, I always cherish those moments of happiness I get. Especially those moments where everything seems to melt away and you're so fully present in what feels like the best, most happiest moment of your life. It's my favourite emotion -feeling infinite, so that's why I tattooed it on my body at my favourite place -the beach.

This was my main tattoo that I've spent years wanting. It's a quote from Peter Pan, and everyone in my life knows how important Peter Pan is to me. The quote itself has so much meaning, about dedicating yourself to life and living without fear. The aeroplanes signify my desire to be free (linking in with the quote) and the paper aeroplane signifies my writing and how the shadow it creates makes me feel that free-ness. I could talk to you for hours about all the meanings behind this tattoo.

This last one (great photo of it) is a quote from my favourite Bon Jovi song. Obviously Bon Jovi has been a massive part of my childhood and represents the bond I have with my mum, who is going to get a matching one also. But also, when I was 14 years old, and I first heard It's My Life, it was during a time I was drowning in teenage emotions and troubles at school. Something about the song made me feel so empowered and not alone and it's a song that really means something to me. After hearing it live this year I instantly knew I had to get this tattoo.

A big part of my 2019 was my experimenting with clothes and falling in love with dungarees. I've always been someone who wore jeans and t-shirts and had no ability to express myself through fashion. This year I've really jumped out of the box with my fashion choices. From checkered, striped and tartan dungarees, to pinafore dresses with dinosaurs on! It's been a year of wild clothes.

 Oh I also went really crazy (for me) and cut my own damn fringe!!

Above everything that happened this year, after all the hardships I went through, the complete and utter feeling that I was alone... the one thing that kept my world turning this year was my friends. Every single one of them came towards me during my darkest days and I genuinely would not be here today had they not been. I know that's deep and depressing (where is my filter when I need it?) but I will never be able to put into words how lucky I am to be surrounded by the most amazing, genuine people I have ever come across. So a massive shout out to my friends who are my absolute rock.

 And then another special shoutout to my family, who I have unintentionally neglected this year, brought me back and cared for me and made me find a "home" again. They have also played a huge part in me getting back to my old self and helping me through things.

It's been a big year. A lot has happened, as showcased in this ridiculously long blog post. But all the hardships of this year are beneath me now, I've been on a journey of self discovery and improvement the past few months and my mind has not felt this healthy or content for a long time. I am genuinely happy. I am in a good place, with a promising future, and I'll be delving into all the juicy gossip of how I got myself back over on my YouTube channel tomorrow.

#operationchangemylife is coming. 

Now it's time to get dressed up and end this year with a lot of alcohol and friends. Happy new year.

Shan x