What happens when our dreams fail us?

This is a post I've been mentally writing out in my head for the past few weeks. But I daren't actually write it out or post it in case I go back on myself and then I'll feel this post was a waste of time, and I've got a nervous tingly feeling over my entire body by finally committing to writing it.

Whew. Deep breath.

I'm leaving university.

There'll be two types of people reading this, one type will see uni as nothing too important and not see the big deal, and the other viewing uni as the pathway to life that you should seriously work for and not give up on.

I've been focussing on getting a career for years, I've seen my mum struggle because she never had a degree, seen my sister living on the edge because she dropped out of college and lives alone trying to support herself, and I've seen friends thriving and getting degrees and enjoying life. By no means am I saying you need a degree or that is essential in life, that's not something I believe in at all.

However, I am career driven and want to make my mum certain I'll never struggle like her, and I want  my friends and partner to look up to me and think I'm a go getter and an achiever.

But uni is hard. It has well and truly taken its toll on me and wore me, mentally to the bone.

Everyone speaks so highly of me training to become a nurse. Because I love caring for people and it's what I'm good at, but I'm learning, that's not always enough to make it a career.

I love caring for people, but since uni the thought of being a nurse almost repulses me.

And I'm left in a situation where I feel I've let myself and everyone I know, down. I spent so long chasing the idea of a career focussed life that I forgot how to live. But now that being a nurse isn't my dream, and I have nothing to focus on, I have nothing I'm striving to achieve and I'm so lost.

There's nothing I love, nothing to chase, nothing to achieve. I haven't worked out yet if this is a blessing or a curse. On the one hand, I'm  a brand new clean slate, I can become anything and live my life without rules. On the other hand, it begs the question, who are we as people if we're not chasing something? Who am I without a goal?

I'm hoping the next few months I start exploring myself as a person, I've applied to a few jobs I never would have considered before, hoping I enjoy something new while saving money for my new plan: travelling.
Not in a cheesy 'lets go "find myself" in Thailand's hostels' kind of thing (not that I think that's a bad thing) but in a, I have no goals so let's just see the world and learn to live life rather than settling in a career. I want to break out of routine and feel okay about it, and maybe nursing still is on the cards, maybe I need to fall back in love with life and myself to love nursing again.

I think I need to remember I'm just 21, nothing is set in stone yet and happiness should always come first. I have no idea what I'm doing right now, let's hope it's the right thing.


Shan x