The reality of coming back from mental illness
Everyone seems to have this perception that, your mental breakdown ends and then you just start building your life back up again.
I had that perception.
I thought, I have my new job, my amazing friends, and a new found self love in myself.
I can start building my life up again. I can build on what I've done so far and work on getting myself back to normal.
I'm coming to the realisation it's not quite that simple.
I've gone straight into a full time job after barely working for a whole year, and I thought it would be fine. But I didn't realise that actually, I've been quite ill, and like any other illness, going straight into a strenuous full time job is going to take a toll on your body after having so much time off.
It's been a shock to the system and my head is exhausted from all the new stuff that's been thrown at it and the constant non existence of my comfort zone as I push myself everyday to get back to everyday life.
That then lead me to this post, to talk about the reality of what it is like to come out of mental breakdown, and back into the real world again.
- It's tiring. I've been used to spending my days cooped up in bed isolated from the outside. At first just seeing friends or spending a few hours pottering around the house were physically very exhausting for me. Obviously now there are so many new things in my life (work, friends, living outside of my bedroom) my brain is "switched on" and buzzing away constantly which only adds to the exhaustion. I'm both physically and mentally drained at the end of every day -or more even, the middle of every day.
- I'm out of practice. With just about everything. I've forgotten what it's like to have a proper self care/hygiene routine and it's hard to remember to stick to one.
I'm out of practice with socialising. It's weird being in work and having conversations with people because I'm not used to having to speak so much and I'm stuttering and stammering over all of my words. Same goes for ordering food or paying for things at a till, I'm not used to those things and it feels surreal having to be faced with things as simple as these again.
- I'm not "better". I thought once I started work again and see my friends and start having a life again that my mental health would return to its quiet hum at the back of my mind but it hasn't. I'm still very much ill and sensitive and today I've had to leave work after having a really awful few mental health days and that's okay. It happens. As long as you're taking care of yourself when you need it, you can keep your head above water.
-Rest is so important. As well as grounding yourself. I'm working so hard and doing so well but I need to be able to still have that comfort of knowing I can coop myself up in my bedroom and watch endless amounts of Netflix. It's kind of like having a mental comfort blanket, and being to return to it and your old self is important to keep yourself grounded so you still feel like yourself when doing all these new things and trying to build a new life.
- There will be a lot of catching up to do. I massively let things go and was so scared I'd gone too far to be able to salvage any of the mess I'd created for myself. But it's nothing a good cry and chat with a friend can't put into a better perspective. I felt like I was drowning in all the debt I'd pretended didn't exist but there's always ways out and always people willing to help.
I think the important thing is to recognise that this is a journey, and there will be days that everything feels too much, and that a life stuck in bed doing nothing but watching Netflix is the easier and much more satisfying option but in the long run you've gotta remember you're working towards something so much bigger and better that the old you could never have comprehended. I've said before in another post but one of the most impactful quotes I've ever read is "progress isn't linear"
Keep going.
2020 is our year.
Shan x
I had that perception.
I thought, I have my new job, my amazing friends, and a new found self love in myself.
I can start building my life up again. I can build on what I've done so far and work on getting myself back to normal.
I'm coming to the realisation it's not quite that simple.
I've gone straight into a full time job after barely working for a whole year, and I thought it would be fine. But I didn't realise that actually, I've been quite ill, and like any other illness, going straight into a strenuous full time job is going to take a toll on your body after having so much time off.
It's been a shock to the system and my head is exhausted from all the new stuff that's been thrown at it and the constant non existence of my comfort zone as I push myself everyday to get back to everyday life.
That then lead me to this post, to talk about the reality of what it is like to come out of mental breakdown, and back into the real world again.
- It's tiring. I've been used to spending my days cooped up in bed isolated from the outside. At first just seeing friends or spending a few hours pottering around the house were physically very exhausting for me. Obviously now there are so many new things in my life (work, friends, living outside of my bedroom) my brain is "switched on" and buzzing away constantly which only adds to the exhaustion. I'm both physically and mentally drained at the end of every day -or more even, the middle of every day.
- I'm out of practice. With just about everything. I've forgotten what it's like to have a proper self care/hygiene routine and it's hard to remember to stick to one.
I'm out of practice with socialising. It's weird being in work and having conversations with people because I'm not used to having to speak so much and I'm stuttering and stammering over all of my words. Same goes for ordering food or paying for things at a till, I'm not used to those things and it feels surreal having to be faced with things as simple as these again.
- I'm not "better". I thought once I started work again and see my friends and start having a life again that my mental health would return to its quiet hum at the back of my mind but it hasn't. I'm still very much ill and sensitive and today I've had to leave work after having a really awful few mental health days and that's okay. It happens. As long as you're taking care of yourself when you need it, you can keep your head above water.
-Rest is so important. As well as grounding yourself. I'm working so hard and doing so well but I need to be able to still have that comfort of knowing I can coop myself up in my bedroom and watch endless amounts of Netflix. It's kind of like having a mental comfort blanket, and being to return to it and your old self is important to keep yourself grounded so you still feel like yourself when doing all these new things and trying to build a new life.
- There will be a lot of catching up to do. I massively let things go and was so scared I'd gone too far to be able to salvage any of the mess I'd created for myself. But it's nothing a good cry and chat with a friend can't put into a better perspective. I felt like I was drowning in all the debt I'd pretended didn't exist but there's always ways out and always people willing to help.
I think the important thing is to recognise that this is a journey, and there will be days that everything feels too much, and that a life stuck in bed doing nothing but watching Netflix is the easier and much more satisfying option but in the long run you've gotta remember you're working towards something so much bigger and better that the old you could never have comprehended. I've said before in another post but one of the most impactful quotes I've ever read is "progress isn't linear"
Keep going.
2020 is our year.
Shan x
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