floating in the clouds

 I had the world's most stressful day yesterday, when I woke up I had a little upset with my family, so feeling quite low I'd decided to stay in bed and watch the new Umbrella Academy series (OBSESSED BTW), I then had my apprenticeship mentor call me because she hadn't heard from me in months and I haven't handed any work in - which in the midst of a global pandemic, I had completely forgotten I was supposed to be doing work at home. So that really stressed me out and made me feel like I wasn't good enough for my job and that I fail at everything - you know, that wonderful way the mind works where it spirals mountains out of mole hills. I then had a harassment phone call from a debt I had completely forgotten about (more stress), and while I was on the brink of losing it all I then had a missed call from work because they want me to go back next week!!! And everything collapsed onto me, stress has a funny thing of just happening all at once and crushing you until yo

I'm writing this post completely on a whim. I've just been sat in bed scrolling through my phone, wearing my boyfriend's hoodie, and I buried my face into its hood because it smells just like him and it gave me such an overwhelming feeling of comfort. And then, boom, this post idea sprang to mind. I wouldn't say I'm having a particularly bad day, but definitely not a good one either. It's just been one of those days where no matter how many times I get out of bed I seem to be drawn back to it after an hour or two. I'm feeling delicate today and in need of anything that gives me comfort, so I wrote down a list of things that give me comforts to share on this post today.  Certain smells, fabrics, scents and tastes give you a sense of comfort and can transport you to a place much better than the one you're currently in. I use this technique a lot with disassociation, which is something I really struggle with (disassociation is where your mind becomes discon

Hi. It's been a hooooot minute since I've posted. I'd decided not to pressure myself into posting during lockdown, I get most of my inspiration for posts by going out and living and then writing them out in coffee shops, so I took a relaxed approach with my blog vowing to only post if I had something to say. But I should know myself better by now, that when I stop writing I really stop writing and my blog has consequently ended up as far back and tucked away as my mind allows. I've also taken up a lot of new things whilst in quarantine so my mind has been occupied with multiple different things everyday. I even contemplated writing this blog off and creating a new one which was more focussed towards something, I often feel like this blog isn't really "anything" except a jumble of random thoughts I have at a current moment. But I try not to have that thought for too long. I'm going to have a proper sit down and think about what I want to do with my blog

Myself, as well as a huge portion of the world have been truly awoken to the black lives matter movement this past week. I've always been 'apart' of it, if you will.. always followed the news of black people being shot by police, sharing the news for exposure and appreciating black history month etc.  It has always broken and confused my heart that someone can look at another human being and notice that they are a different nationality. When I've only ever seen simply another person. I can't say I look at people with different coloured hair or eyes and felt a different way about them, and for me personally it works the same for people with different coloured skin. We are all people in my eyes. It really baffles me that there are people out there who see different.  How can ethnicity, race, culture, skin colour, be used as a currency, measuring how much value you have as a person? I've been hurting and I've been angry this past week. Trying to think of what t

It's mental health awareness week this week, and it's been a hot minute since I've posted on my blog. Quarantine isn't leaving much in the way of blog inspiration at the moment.  I wanted to talk today about a side of depression a lot of people dismiss, or pretend doesn't exist. I see a lot of people talking about the feelings of depression and how it effects your life, but not much of the uncomfortable, dirty side of it.  Depression is foul. It is dirty and messy and not at all glamorous. It is obviously different for different people but I want to talk about my experiences with it today. I'll add a quick trigger warning here, I talk about the dark side of depression and glaze over suicidal thoughts/feeling like giving up. I made myself sad when I wrote this, but that's probably because I'm writing from memory. If you could get triggered by this I suggest you don't read on. Depression leaves me un-showered for up to three weeks. Wearing the same clo

And then suddenly it was May. I thought I'd do a little goals update post today, it's already been 4 whole months since we were making resolutions in January and this year has panned out to be a little different than expected... April turned out to be a very welcome wake up call for me. I found I'd lost sight of a lot of my goals and got sucked into the "people pleaser" side of myself again. So after reaffirming my goals, teaching myself to be selfish again and opening up about things I've been dealing with privately for a very long time, I'm ready to have a look at my goals and start making some new smaller ones to achieve my overall bigger picture. Going to add a quick trigger warning here, in my "become stronger" paragraph, I'm going to briefly talk about disordered eating and body issues, so skip that section if it could cause harm to you. Other than that, here's a review of my goals: Write more So one of my goals this year w

We made it through three weeks. And now we have another three weeks to make it through as well. I'm doing okay actually, it's been hard not seeing all my friends but phone calls and group chats have been really amazing also. The weather has been beautiful, I'm definitely well rested, been working on myself a lot, it's almost been great - considering the circumstances.  I wanted to write a post today on some things you can do to help pass the time, as we have had three weeks to exhaust all of our spring cleaning and Netflix binges and bread making. Now is where it starts getting really boring. So I've written a list of some big things to do and another one for some little boredom busters when you are actually bored off your tits and need something to do. ~ Photo taken from a walk the other day ~ - Make some life goals. I feel like being stuck inside seems to have made a lot of people realise how precious the outside world is and inspired people to want to

So I kinda wanted to talk about meditation and mindfulness today. I'm not amazing at either of these things, but they're things I've been adopting into my life for the past three months, and feel that now is just about the perfect time to start being a bit more mindful about yourself and your surroundings with what is going on in the world. So what do these terms mean? Mindfulness is taking a step back to realise how you are feeling and thinking in a moment. Sometimes we get so caught up in whisking ourselves of our feet with distractions and "things to do" that we don't stop for a second to check in on ourselves and our feelings. Meditation is the practice of using mindfulness to focus and redirect your thoughts, which comes with a whole bunch of benefits. Benefits of meditation and mindfulness: - Reduces stress, as well as stress related illnesses like IBS, PTSD and fibromyalgia. - Reduces anxiety, helping with anxiety disorders, OCD and panic attack

I like sunflowers The colour yellow always makes me happy The sea is my favourite sound And smell And place I like cuddles with my cats And feeding farm animals Candles are my favourite gift A cup of tea is the best peace offering I love too hard I bite off more than I can chew My dreams are always huge I like public affection The version of me that is happy in the sun is the best version of me I'm always dancing I have a plethora of notebooks And endless shelves of books waiting to be read I take photographs of everything Own way too many shoes And listen to music at way too high a volume Fluffy socks overtake my drawers As well as Disney pjs and novelty underwear I  wear dungarees all the time And I love dinosaurs I'm a very simple person with a very complicated heart I sulk too much and Can never apologise first I get hurt too easy And find it easier to walk away Sometimes I switch off and disappear for days on end There's a lot of d

Throwing something a little different out today. I used to do these kind of posts all the time, go on a cute walk, take lots of photos and whip them up on the blog. Being in quarantine has meant I can't go out for dinners and coffees or to my usual hang abouts to pass the time, which has resulted in me using my hour allowance of exercise each day to make sure I'm going out and seeing anything other than the four walls of my house. There's a field with a bridge that I have been driving past and admiring for years, wanting more than anything just to take some cute photos of the bridge. A few days ago on one of my walks I finally found the entrance to the field, and today, and went through it. It was the most beautiful place I've ever found near my house. There's three bridges over a brook that runs through the field, there's a small (kind of) waterfall, a few ducks, and the whole thing is just so beautiful. I am going to be having the most extra picnics there

I wanted to write a few words on how I'm coping with being in quarantine. I truly thought I would absolutely crumble, that all the work I'd spent on keeping busy and healthy would be undone by the coming weeks of being stuck in the house. Feeling that naturally, I would go back to my unhealthy habits of staying in bed all day, sleeping in all day and staying up all night, surviving mostly off of ridiculous quantities of tea and never brushing my hair. But we're on day 7 now, and I'm coping pretty damn well. So I thought I'd talk about how I'm keeping my head above water, and actually enjoying the time I have at home at the moment. The turning point for me, realising quarantine was going to be okay, was when I came across some information on how we, as human beings, have the ability to adapt to new circumstances. It's one of our scientific advantages that brought us to the top of the food chain, for our physical ability to adapt to different climates t

So in my last post I was really feeling the effects of the pandemic and was terrified of the impact it would have on my mental health. Since then the best thing happened - the sun came out. For the first time since last September, the sun is shining, it's warm enough to wear slightly lighter clothes and it's dry!! This has picked my mood up so much which allowed me to see things a bit better, I've shut off any negative thought I have about self isolation and ensuring I'm looking at it as an opportunity to get lots of stuff done, pick up running again, get stuck into writing and spending time with family. So last night, when I came home from what (should be) my last day at work for the unforeseeable future, I went for a run and decided to create my Quarantine Plan. This is a little list I've made in a notebook on all the things I'm hoping to achieve throughout my self isolation. This is going to give me things to do to keep my self care and mood accounted fo

It's been a while. Life is drastically changing around me at the moment so I'm just taking the time to sit out and let things re-slot into place. I've been absent with friends, family and myself recently and as always, my blog paid the price. But I'm here today to talk about mental health -as if I ever talk about anything else on here these days. It's a tough time in the world right now, the globe is being faced with something we've not really dealt with in our lifetime before, except from obviously HIV and ebola, but this seems a lot more scary than them, but maybe I was just too young to really be affected by it. I don't remember worldwide quarantines being a thing though, I'd check for the facts for the sake of this post but I'm honestly feeling too deflated to. I'm not in quarantine yet, I work in a job that has an NHS contract so we have to legally stay open in case of emergencies - which are rare so our days are filled with nothing but s

There was a point in my life, not all that long ago, where I had lost all hope, and I was desperately trying to cling on and find  something  worth living for. Because sometimes depression, or just a really tough period, feels  so big,  its so dense, and heavy. And sometimes "having hope" or believing that the storm will pass soon is not enough. Sometimes the promise of better days isn't enough to get you through the now. A few months ago I came across a list online, from someone else grasping at straws and trying to find reasons to carry on, and it resonated with me. I loved it, and used that same strategy, it was just a list of little things that seem so silly in being able to help your low moods, but sometimes its the little things that we need. The bigger picture is too much to cope with. Trying to say "oh I'll be happier once I get out of my job" or "move house" "leave my toxic relationship" are heavy, dense things, they are big lif

I do love a good self care Sunday. There's something about having a little reset day before taking on Monday and setting goals for the new week.  I also love a me-time day. I don't get much of it at the moment because whenever I'm not working I'm trying to fill my days up with plans with friends, running errands, writing or going to the gym. A lot of things are slipping through my fingers and not getting done and the weeks are whizzing by, so it's nice just to dedicate Sunday to slowing time down a bit and taking care of me. Despite me actually working on Sundays. So I got home from work, changed into my dressing gown like the grandma I am, made a cuppa and started filling the bath. I recently bought a face mask from the Millie Bobby Brown collection, Florence and really loved it. I knew I needed to talk about it on my blog because I'm such a huge fan of Stranger Things and MBB, I had high hopes for her brand and was surprised by the genuine quality of it and