Confronting Mental Health, One Hell Of a Journey
I wrote half of this post out months ago. It's a very hard one to write, and even harder to decide if it should be published. But I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life right now, and I kinda want to start afresh and I feel this post needs to go up so I can be completely transparent on here. I have mentioned in other posts that my mental health hasn't been on par this year but I really want to sit down and talk about it properly. It's going to be a long post, but it's something I feel is detrimental to my journey and moving onto to my next chapter.
My mental health this year caused me to drop out of uni, it made me fall out of love with nursing and caring for people. After identifying myself as a "nurse" for so long and being a carer for four years which I absolutely adored, that suddenly turning into the biggest cause of my panic attacks and mood dips, has absolutely broken my heart. But people change, I'm only 21 and I have so much to learn and so many new avenues to pursue yet. Which is the reasoning behind my new chapter, I've come out of my mental breakdown enough to want to fight for a life again. And while everyday is still new and a challenge for me, I'm embracing a new life focusing on who I am as a person and the things I enjoy, rather than a career.
So, this is my mental health journey, cut to when I started writing this months ago:
We live in a society where mental health is being heard from every corner around us, whether it's increasing because of the way society has changed its way of life or we are just more comfortable breaking the stigma and talking about it publicly now, it is heard and talked about everywhere.
I think all the blogs I follow have come forward with their mental health at some point, and it was never a post I wanted to write, because for me, personally, although I have an appreciation for reading people's posts on their mental health, it has always been my battle. And I didn't want to be another one of those people who 'has a blog and did a post on mental health'. (Even though that's not how I view those posts).
I have always had depression and anxiety, it's something that is inherited through almost all of my family and as a child I'd have depressive periods of shutting myself in my room, get myself stressed out too easily at a young age, being too shy and over-analitive at everything.
It's something I've lived with and adapted to, it's always just been 'who I am' and I lived and left it at that.
However, September 2018 I started having really explosive panic attacks everywhere I went, we're unsure whether it was starting university, moving out, or a past trauma that was coming to light which triggered my mental breakdown but I decided to go to the doctors to get help after my family and friends had encouraged me to do so.
I was referred to a councillor for the past trauma and put on antidepressants: sertraline.
However, I had a reaction to these tablets and was down a&e just hours after taking my first one. I was just told I had serotonin syndrome, and to get some different medication.
I was ill for a few months, constantly feeling like I would pass out when I left the house, having constant "fit like" shakes and being very weak.
I then went onto fluoxetine once I was well enough to leave the house, which were too similar to the sertraline and I continued to have my fit-shakes and my hair started coming out in clumps, I stopped eating, sleeping and had more intense anxiety constantly, I felt completely lost and like I was drowning. I had completely given up on my life, I would spend my days sat in my bed staring at my wall where hours would pass me by without me realising. It was a really dark, never ending hole that I was gong down, and more than anything I was terrified that I'd gone too far. That I'd fell too deep and there was no way I could get back out.
My fit-shakes turned into tics like Tourette's, I went back to the doctors and they said they couldn't do anything unless I came of of my current antidepressants, but these new ones are working and I'm just now starting to see a light at the end of the longest tunnel I've ever been through. It was the failing of my relationships around me with my boyfriend and my family which had motivated me to want to get better again, and learning who I am as a person outside of the 'nurse' persona. Now I'm just left with ''Tourette's'' alongside the anxiety and depression of course, but the mental breakdown, after nearly 12 months now... is on it's way out.
So this would be where my Chapter One starts...
Shan x
P.S. But before I end the post, I don't want anyone reading this to be put off by going to the doctors and taking medication for their mental health, because even though it's a longer journey than I expected it to be, I know I'm getting somewhere, and coming forward and making my anxiety a known and established thing has helped my life in so many ways, people have become more patient and alert with me and although I still feel like a burden on so many people's lives it has really shown me who is real and just how loved and supported I am. I also know many people who have had tablets work for them instantly and perfectly.
My mental health this year caused me to drop out of uni, it made me fall out of love with nursing and caring for people. After identifying myself as a "nurse" for so long and being a carer for four years which I absolutely adored, that suddenly turning into the biggest cause of my panic attacks and mood dips, has absolutely broken my heart. But people change, I'm only 21 and I have so much to learn and so many new avenues to pursue yet. Which is the reasoning behind my new chapter, I've come out of my mental breakdown enough to want to fight for a life again. And while everyday is still new and a challenge for me, I'm embracing a new life focusing on who I am as a person and the things I enjoy, rather than a career.
So, this is my mental health journey, cut to when I started writing this months ago:
We live in a society where mental health is being heard from every corner around us, whether it's increasing because of the way society has changed its way of life or we are just more comfortable breaking the stigma and talking about it publicly now, it is heard and talked about everywhere.
I think all the blogs I follow have come forward with their mental health at some point, and it was never a post I wanted to write, because for me, personally, although I have an appreciation for reading people's posts on their mental health, it has always been my battle. And I didn't want to be another one of those people who 'has a blog and did a post on mental health'. (Even though that's not how I view those posts).
I have always had depression and anxiety, it's something that is inherited through almost all of my family and as a child I'd have depressive periods of shutting myself in my room, get myself stressed out too easily at a young age, being too shy and over-analitive at everything.
It's something I've lived with and adapted to, it's always just been 'who I am' and I lived and left it at that.
However, September 2018 I started having really explosive panic attacks everywhere I went, we're unsure whether it was starting university, moving out, or a past trauma that was coming to light which triggered my mental breakdown but I decided to go to the doctors to get help after my family and friends had encouraged me to do so.
I was referred to a councillor for the past trauma and put on antidepressants: sertraline.
However, I had a reaction to these tablets and was down a&e just hours after taking my first one. I was just told I had serotonin syndrome, and to get some different medication.
I was ill for a few months, constantly feeling like I would pass out when I left the house, having constant "fit like" shakes and being very weak.
I then went onto fluoxetine once I was well enough to leave the house, which were too similar to the sertraline and I continued to have my fit-shakes and my hair started coming out in clumps, I stopped eating, sleeping and had more intense anxiety constantly, I felt completely lost and like I was drowning. I had completely given up on my life, I would spend my days sat in my bed staring at my wall where hours would pass me by without me realising. It was a really dark, never ending hole that I was gong down, and more than anything I was terrified that I'd gone too far. That I'd fell too deep and there was no way I could get back out.
My fit-shakes turned into tics like Tourette's, I went back to the doctors and they said they couldn't do anything unless I came of of my current antidepressants, but these new ones are working and I'm just now starting to see a light at the end of the longest tunnel I've ever been through. It was the failing of my relationships around me with my boyfriend and my family which had motivated me to want to get better again, and learning who I am as a person outside of the 'nurse' persona. Now I'm just left with ''Tourette's'' alongside the anxiety and depression of course, but the mental breakdown, after nearly 12 months now... is on it's way out.
So this would be where my Chapter One starts...
Shan x
P.S. But before I end the post, I don't want anyone reading this to be put off by going to the doctors and taking medication for their mental health, because even though it's a longer journey than I expected it to be, I know I'm getting somewhere, and coming forward and making my anxiety a known and established thing has helped my life in so many ways, people have become more patient and alert with me and although I still feel like a burden on so many people's lives it has really shown me who is real and just how loved and supported I am. I also know many people who have had tablets work for them instantly and perfectly.
It sounds like it's been really tough for you, and I really commend you, not only for pushing through it, but also for opening up about it. I totally know what you mean. When I read anyone else's mental health stories (yours included) I think it's great, and brave. When I write about it, I feel like I'm just attention-seeking, like I'm just trying to be like everyone else and that I don't really have anything to complain about. So kudos for fighting that, that's awesome.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck with your new start and your identity searching - I'm sure you'll do great, and I look forward to reading about anything you share about it.
Thank you so much. It really was hard to decide whether to or not and if it's any consolation I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel great for posting it. I've had a few people reach out to me after posting it which has made me 100 times better for it too.
DeleteThank you, I'm sure I'll be documenting every step of it. I wish you best also.