Mental Health Awareness: Let's talk Depression

It's mental health awareness week this week, and it's been a hot minute since I've posted on my blog. Quarantine isn't leaving much in the way of blog inspiration at the moment. 

I wanted to talk today about a side of depression a lot of people dismiss, or pretend doesn't exist. I see a lot of people talking about the feelings of depression and how it effects your life, but not much of the uncomfortable, dirty side of it. 

Depression is foul.

It is dirty and messy and not at all glamorous.

It is obviously different for different people but I want to talk about my experiences with it today.

I'll add a quick trigger warning here, I talk about the dark side of depression and glaze over suicidal thoughts/feeling like giving up. I made myself sad when I wrote this, but that's probably because I'm writing from memory. If you could get triggered by this I suggest you don't read on.

Depression leaves me un-showered for up to three weeks. Wearing the same clothes and underwear for up to one week. Not brushing my hair or teeth for heaven knows how long. 

Finishing a 2 litre bottle of pop (because cups are too much effort) and simply discarding the plastic bottle to the side, on the floor, definitely not in a bin. 

Depression is finding old sandwich crusts, long lost cutlery and sweet wrappers under your bed. (And in your bed sometimes)

It's finally taking all your mugs downstairs, most of them half filled with growing mould.

It's having a fridge full of decaying food because you never have it "in you" to actually cook the food you insist on buying each week.

It's finally having a spurt of motivation and cooking with two week old vegetables and cutting the stupidly long sprouts off of your tatas. 

It's doing a load of washing once a blue moon of just pants and pjs, enough to tide you over until the next blue moon.

It's sitting in a bed filled with takeaway boxes, plates of half eaten food, empty bags of crisps and chocolate, and just simply rolling over each night and sleeping around it all.

Depression switches me off sometimes.

I will go days or weeks kind of floating through and having conversations with family members I don't remember having. 

Just a "hmm" mumble here and there to show they somewhat have my attention.

It's snapping at people.

And being so irritable you lash out and scream at something just because it fell on the floor.

It's avoiding friends and ignoring messages,

It's feeling hurt because no one notices how "not present" you are.

It's "waking up" sometimes in the middle of the street or a shop and having no idea how and when you got there because you'd switched off. 

Depression is the paralysing feeling of emptiness. Of grey cloud, a black sinkhole.  

It constantly pulls and it feels like the light of life grows dimmer and dimmer each day.

And each day you sink it seems so much harder to ever see a way out.

The only perfect way to describe my depression is by the sinking feeling. 

I don't want to get better at first. I want to wallow in my self pity and switch off for a few days.

Then I sink and it starts to feel really scary and you can't get out of a "sink" by yourself.

It takes everything out if you.

So you're left with no choice but to sink deeper despite every day getting more and more scarier and feeling like you're so far gone there's no salvation. 

So of course, I don't think about brushing my teeth or changing my clothes.

I'm numb to everything but the feel of black clouds dragging me under.

Netflix binges are so important, as well as books and music. Because they give a false sense of emotion again. Reading people into love and watching teen dramas give me more feeling than anything else can in these times. 

The distraction is all we have.

Depression is getting physically tired all the time. It's pushing yourself to get out of bed one day and having to sit down after climbing some stairs. 

It's doing the food shop and having to rest for the remainder of the day.

Or switching off halfway through a fun activity through no control of your own,

Because your head has decided, it is just done for the day.

Depression honestly scares the living sh*t out of me. It is terrifying the places it will allow my mind to go, knowing I love life and have amazing friends, future and plans but in a split moment having this overbearing need to end it all so I know I'll never have to feel again.

I don't really "sink" anymore, at least not at the moment. But it makes me love life a little more knowing I could sink at any moment, I take more risks and enjoy the good days more.

I won't say it's a blessing in disguise because it really isn't. Depression is one of worst things that exist in this world.

How odd that when we as humans were made, we were made with faults that make us want to kill ourselves.

Sorry if that was a bit morbid, but mental health awareness. I think it would help if people really knew what depression was. It's so much more than feeling sad. That's why I wrote this. 

All that aside, I hope everyone, as always, is keeping safe in lockdown. Which is a trying time when it comes to mental health anyway. If you need some help there are so many avenues you can go down. There is help everywhere for you.

116 123 is the number for samaritans who are available to help 24/7. Doctors, friends and family can be massive helps also. Much love.

Shan x