A loss of innocence and a fight for independence - Chapter One
I know I've been gone a while, it feels like forever since I've been on my blog because I've just gone through the longest two weeks of my life, an entire three years could have fit into these past weeks. Time just stopped. I've been taken off my high horse again. I'd just reached a place where I was getting into a routine with my blog, I was hired the day before we flew off to Ibiza, I was starting to feel like I had my own identity again and my own friendship circle was reforming. And now I've been knocked allllll the way back to the bottom again. I've had a very rough few days, then badass "I'm strong enough for this" days, then "shit. I can't do this" days and "I'm done fighting for a life that is so against me" days. But now I've somehow found this odd sort of peace within it all.
My Operation Change My Life posts from way back, when I was lost and broken helped me to find who I was as a person and I need to go back to those for a while.
I never fully recovered from my mental breakdown (which I did a post on 'here'), I found happiness again, but what I really needed was soul time. I needed to fully reconnect with myself and realign myself with my body and just have some proper, extensive, self care and rediscovery. I never gave myself that and I think now it has just come round and wholly bit me in the arse.
I'm at a point in my life again where my main focus has to be myself, I'm going to spend the next few months healing myself from the mental breakdown of last year, learning to love myself, and getting to know me again.
It has only been two weeks since disaster struck again, and only two days where I've suddenly found peace in the chaos. In those two days I have already found myself returning to myself just by doing things for me and spending time in my own company. I'm listening to my old music, singing and dancing around the house, even falling back in love with the colour yellow - which used to be such a big identifier for who I was as a person.
In the past two weeks I have reconnected with two friends I haven't seen in over a year, one of them being my original, bestest, bestest friend who I lost through my breakup of my previous boyfriend 18 months ago. I have also connected with another friend on a much more deeper level too. I'm suddenly surrounded by people I never knew I had.
I just wanted to come onto my blog and talk. I have a lot of mending to do, and I know this post sounds very spiritual but I don't really know how else to explain it. I don't even know if it makes sense because I'm honestly so trapped in my own head right now everything seems like a trance.
But I've got a grip on it. I know what I need to do and I am really looking forward to my new journey.
I know I came onto my blog a few months ago and said then that I was starting my chapter one, turns out I wasn't. This is my real chapter one.
All I know is my bounce back game has always been insanely good and I'm so ready this time to prove everyone wrong about me and really show I'm not a lost little girl. Which is what I've become, I lost my badass, sassy attitude and became such a delicate, lost soul who relied on being looked after by others. Through this past year I've lost a lot of my innocence, and I don't know yet what that means for me, hopefully it's the birth a new, strong, independent queen, just like I was two years ago. But stronger.
I know this post is very wishy-washy, it has no structure, and I don't want it to. I just needed to word vomit my feelings and somewhat explain where I've been and that I 'm still here. I'm planning on a proper 'old, classic me' post on Monday though...
Shan x
My Operation Change My Life posts from way back, when I was lost and broken helped me to find who I was as a person and I need to go back to those for a while.
I never fully recovered from my mental breakdown (which I did a post on 'here'), I found happiness again, but what I really needed was soul time. I needed to fully reconnect with myself and realign myself with my body and just have some proper, extensive, self care and rediscovery. I never gave myself that and I think now it has just come round and wholly bit me in the arse.
I'm at a point in my life again where my main focus has to be myself, I'm going to spend the next few months healing myself from the mental breakdown of last year, learning to love myself, and getting to know me again.
It has only been two weeks since disaster struck again, and only two days where I've suddenly found peace in the chaos. In those two days I have already found myself returning to myself just by doing things for me and spending time in my own company. I'm listening to my old music, singing and dancing around the house, even falling back in love with the colour yellow - which used to be such a big identifier for who I was as a person.
In the past two weeks I have reconnected with two friends I haven't seen in over a year, one of them being my original, bestest, bestest friend who I lost through my breakup of my previous boyfriend 18 months ago. I have also connected with another friend on a much more deeper level too. I'm suddenly surrounded by people I never knew I had.
I just wanted to come onto my blog and talk. I have a lot of mending to do, and I know this post sounds very spiritual but I don't really know how else to explain it. I don't even know if it makes sense because I'm honestly so trapped in my own head right now everything seems like a trance.
But I've got a grip on it. I know what I need to do and I am really looking forward to my new journey.
I know I came onto my blog a few months ago and said then that I was starting my chapter one, turns out I wasn't. This is my real chapter one.
All I know is my bounce back game has always been insanely good and I'm so ready this time to prove everyone wrong about me and really show I'm not a lost little girl. Which is what I've become, I lost my badass, sassy attitude and became such a delicate, lost soul who relied on being looked after by others. Through this past year I've lost a lot of my innocence, and I don't know yet what that means for me, hopefully it's the birth a new, strong, independent queen, just like I was two years ago. But stronger.
I know this post is very wishy-washy, it has no structure, and I don't want it to. I just needed to word vomit my feelings and somewhat explain where I've been and that I 'm still here. I'm planning on a proper 'old, classic me' post on Monday though...
Shan x
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