What It's Like To Grow Up Shy

I have been shy for as long as I remember, chronically shy might be a better way of putting it. As a baby attending playgroups I'd hide behind my mum, as a wee child at primary school I made friends based on other people coming up to me, and throughout the horrid high school years I barely went to school for my utter fear of people interaction, and for the bullying from people who just couldn't understand my quietness.

I really don't know why I'm shy, there's people who will describe their shyness as a worry they'll mess up their words in a conversation, or say the wrong thing, or just be an entirely awkward person. But I have been shy since coming out of the womb and have no defining thought that I feel makes me shy, which makes it a lot harder because it means I can't figure out how to overcome it.

And being shy has given me much more embarrassing moments than if I would have, had just felt comfortable in situations. Such as an awkward coughing fit during an exam because I was too scared to cough properly, I was doing muffled two-coughs-a-time, which made people laugh at me even more and ask why I couldn't just cough properly. Or that time I had my college interview and I spent the entire time in the most rigid, twisted position with my arms across my tummy in an attempt to quieten the horrific growling sounds coming from within me. Also that time I locked myself in the girls toilet for the whole of lunchtime because the flush on the toilet had broken, and when someone asked if anyone was in the cubicle I was so scared to answer that I kept quiet.. so they looked over the neighbouring cubicle to see me fretting about my situation. And lets not mention that time I tried to explain the reason I hadn't handed in my homework in front of my entire class when I'd just had my retainers fitted and couldn't speak clearly, or without spitting absolutely everywhere.

During high school I'd excuse myself to the bathroom so many times to have a little cry at something awkward I'd just done, sometimes ending up in such a state I'd have to fake being ill to get the rest of the day off. Even that became hard to do when my attendance was at 71% and the school were calling my mum in for meetings. 

I've always had friends because I'm actually a very bubbly happy person, it just takes me a while to come out of my shell. But the worst part of being shy is the people who don't understand it. I've been to a total of seven different schools in my life and at every school I was hated by everyone who wasn't my friend, bullied by teachers and students because they felt being shy made me "bully-able" -an "easy target" as I was told over and over again by headteachers. However the people who actually took the time to know me would always realise that I'm just like everyone else, I just couldn't project myself like they could.

For me, my thought process was just "when I grow up.." When I grow up I won't be shy anymore. Because I'll have to get jobs, and I'll have to get married, and do the shopping, and go out with friends... When I grow up things will change. And while yes, I'm improving great amounts, I ordered my own drinks perfectly happy at a club with my friends, I can buy things at a shop myself, and I'm learning how to keep a conversation lasting for over 30 seconds -almost.

But... it's not good enough. And that's what's made me want to write this post. After technically being employed for three months, after the company I 'work' for has been messing me around and taking for-ever to get me actually working, I've just learnt that the reason I've not been put out to work is because they don't really want me to work for them, because I'm too shy.

Which has infuriated me to no ends, I hate it when people make pre-assumptions of me, especially when it's been done my entire life, especially when I know I am a god damn hard worker! Who will put in all the hours they need. Those 7am-10pm days? This girl was willing to do it all. 

Things like this put shy people back at square one, these people don't understand how hard it was for me to go through the training days, the shadow days, the original application.. But it was such a huge leap and I did so well. Being told that even when I put in absolutely everything, that it still wasn't good enough, when you know that if they gave you a chance you would prove them all wrong, is the most disheartening feeling ever. How can I be improving myself, if I'm being put down when I'm at my limit of limits?

I have such a loud colourful mind and not being able to voice my thoughts is horrible enough as it is, without the world being so against people they don't understand. I don't mean this post to be down-heartening, I just wanted to give out a bit of insight, so many people don't understand what it is to be shy when you're not a cute little kid who's sightly bashful, and neither do I. I couldn't explain to someone why I cry over tripping on my own tongue, why I physically can't do things with strangers that I can with people I'm comfortable with, why I struggle to eat or pee even in front of my own family, it's just one of those things, and I have to pray that eventually "when I grow up" I'll grow out of it enough to manage life without my mum to do the talking for me.

Shaan x