Hello, My Name Is Shannon And...

I haven't posted all week because I've been ill. You know how I get that flu thing a lot? Well, in truth, this isn't the flu, it's a very, very severe cold with flu like symptoms just not as severe as the actual flu. And also, the majority of the week I was fine, my resolutions of 2016 have been in affect and all has been good.
I have written out a post that I'm waiting to publish once my USB decides to work again, but I'm posting now because I have something niggling at my mind and I want to talk about it, and then I want turn this post into something else, as suggested by the title (which I haven't yet decided on).

I was thinking about change. The way I treat my life, and myself is so unhealthy and it's something I want to change in 2016, I want to become the person I've always wanted to be, the person who was stopped by high school bullies and then a lack of confidence and a spiral of scary emotions.
I was thinking about how basic my new years resolutions are, and that's because I'm a new me and I have to start at the very beginning of basics.
I was thinking that, what if I can never be who I want to be, what if it isn't written in the stars for me? That my destiny is something else? I'm not sure I believe in destiny, I believe in a lot of things but I don't like the thought that I have no say in goings on of my own life.

I'd like to think my blog is an extension of my mind, and that I have put across who I am in my blog, but then, I only really talk about clumsiness and music, and maybe the odd TV show I can't stop watching..
So I thought, I would just write about myself. Kind of like a "20 facts about me" thing, but more me just explaining who I am. Putting my personality into words, which I think might be a bit hard because I'm so modest...

• My name is Shannon. Some people call me "Shan" but not many, I prefer to write out a shortened version of my name on social medias because I feel like it gives me more of an identity. "Shaan" is how I tend to write my name because it looks so much better than Shan alone. 

• Just because I was talking about my name, I have to speak about some of the things my dad calls me, I don't know where these came about but this is what he has called me my entire life. "tiger" "tiger-shins" "tigs" "shins" "shinny" "tiges" "tigey-shins"

• I'm extremely shy and socially awkward. It takes a lot for me to come out of my shell with people, but when I do, I'm always cracking jokes, always smiling if I'm not laughing, I'm very loyal, and I'm so so understanding, I'll put my friend's happiness before my own and when they have issues they're not comfortable with me knowing, I'll be there for them in any way I can until they eventually do feel comfortable. And if I can't help, I'll listen and I'll understand, and I'll fully support them no matter what.

• I care a lot, sometimes too much, but I've never got emotionally attached to anything. So I've never had my heart broken by friends, family, or boys. I wish I knew why.

• I'm an absolute dreamer! I love staring out of car windows and pretending I'm in a film, I love getting completely submerged into films, shows, books, and sometimes music. I love feeling like a girl from a movie.

• I'm very free spirited. At least I think that's what I'd call myself. I love to travel (not that I have much experience), I love culture, art, writing, reading, music, feeling free. I love the sea, I love cities, I absolutely adore swinging on park swings.

• I'm 18 but I feel older, though want to be younger. I have a way with adults, people are always surprised by my manners and way of words, I understand more than I should, and I've not really had a parent-child relationship, I've always felt equal with with people older than me. Even as a baby, at 18 months old, I held myself with so much sophistication. My dad says I was never a baby, I was born just, mature. And I can still remember the way of thinking I had as a child, and it's not that much different from how I think now. 

• I reply to everything with sarcasm, especially when I first meet people, I never know what to say and sarcasm seems to flow with no barrier. Which is okay I guess, because I'm so closed off with people, it gives you a taste at my humor should they get to know me more.

• I'm such a happy person! When I'm truly myself I bounce with every step and smile constantly. I dance a lot, and sing too much (I can't sing to save my life) I kind of see myself as having a glow within me, a big light which represents my happiness.

• However, no life is all grand and dandy, and certain situations and people have reduced that light of happiness to a dim glow a number of times, and it's so hard getting it back to full glow again. I probably sound like a mad man trying to explain this.

• I don't really know who I am. I have 1000 personalities, and I'm always surprising myself with new things. Generally I'd say I'm a girly girl, I love shoes, makeup, clothes, falling in love, Paris, feeling like a girl from a movie... but I'm also a little edgier than that, I like rocky music, ripped jeans, tattoos etc.. Then I have this boyish side where I want to be strong and fierce and be good at DIY and mechanics, and be able to punch someone in the face if they tried to kidnap me. And then sometimes I completely shock myself and want to be a scientist. I guess maybe this is the reason I can't decide on a future career.

• What I desperately want out of life, out of my young life, is to travel far, to love hard, laugh graciously, and document every ounce of everything. Capture every piece of life and memory in photographs and written words.

• What I want out of my later life is a strong, respectable career, a love that never dies, children, cats, a beautiful house, a big family, and to be surrounded by absolute happiness and people we love.

That's who I am, that's who I believe I am. But my fear is that I can never be this person. This is what 2016 means to me, this is the year I have to fight myself so that I can get everything I want out of life. Yes, I've had a 6 month meltdown about my future, but it's my immediate future that I crave more than anything right now, and that immediate future requires no career plan, just a bit of money and an eye for travel.

I found this the other day, I'm three in this photo. This post seems appropriate enough to attach this photo to...

Shaan x