Aimless, Hopeless, And Stressed.
Prepare for verbal diarrhea. Honestly.
I'm having one of those days where since the moment I woke up I was freaking out over 'my future' so I decided I'd have yet another day spent on google searching literally "what to do with my life." I have struggled with this for so long. I thought it would just come to me one day but it hasn't, and as every day goes by it's another day of my life being wasted away because I'm not doing anything productive. I'm not doing anything that is going to help me become my future. I just don't have the slightest clue on what I want with my life.
I want a career. I want a job I love and a job that is me. I want something impressive, I don't want to be 'Bob who worked in a bank' I want be 'Shannon! Who works as a...' but my whole life has been spent trying to fill in that blank. My ultimate life goal is to walk to work/get the train, walk in with Starbucks in hand, professional smart clothes, and people coming up straight up to me with "Shannon, John is coming round to discuss our proposal at one" "You have a meeting in ten minutes" "Barbara's on line two she wants to know the details for tonight's launch" That is what I want. I know there's no way I could do that because I don't know what job that even is!
So I think logically. What do you enjoy? Choose something you enjoy doing and work from there. Well, there's a lot of things I enjoy, I'm always taking photos, I loooove to write, I like to express myself, I like to solve my friend's problems and I like to create things. Since a child I've been making my own plays and performances for my family, I've been creating movie projects, music videos... Being creative is my niche. That's why I like makeup and enrolled on a Beauty course.
But could I do these things all day every day for the rest of my life? I don't know! And how could I make a career out of all these things? A career that ensures a good income and a stable job? I just don't feel like I could make something out of any of this. I should have studied them at GCSE level. I should have stayed on for A-levels. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes and now I'm stuck in a horrible situation.
That's why I decided to let it all go. Finish my current course going all the way with it, then travel and do the things I know I want to do with my life. Before I end up in a job or a studying situation where I physically can't travel and pursue life's dreams. So realistically, I should explore the world and myself a bit more. Write a book, be the adventurous creative me I want to be. And then when I'm settled I can go back to college/uni with a clear head, a better understanding of the world and of what I want to do as a career.
But then I'm stuck with the problem with the economy. Will I be able to get a decent enough job to fund university after my travelling days? What kind of a country will I come back to? And then there's the fact that I reeaallyyy want to go to university. Not just for career purposes, but because of the experiences it brings. But again, what the hell would I do at uni? I thought about doing anything that just interests me, just so I can experience it.
So I'm now stuck with, do I grit my teeth and go for it? My teacher at college has recommended my way of getting into uni, but it's another two years of college. Or do I just wait till I'm ready and start living my life!?
As a seventeen year old I think it's ridiculous we have to make decisions like this. I was never told about my options, no one explained to me how the world works. No one ever said that I needed A-levels for uni. And that college can end up at a very dead end. I was in a rush to get out of school because the people there brought me down and even at the end of my GCSE's I was at breaking point. Another two years there was not an option. But now I feel like I've made a huge mistake by not applying for A-levels elsewhere. It was an impulse decision to stick with my best friend because that was my only source of happiness. I did a beauty course, and I do not regret it as I've made some amazing friendships and I've learnt a lot about the subject and about myself, I've learnt how to handle things in a grown up way, how to bite my tongue, how to keep peace and how to interract with people more. Going to college has boosted my confidence levels no end. And it's my confidence which is probably my biggest downfall. I'm too scared of failure and of enrolling into something that isn't actually up my ally, and getting myself into a situation where everybody clicks together except me..
I have no clue. I wake up every day with a new idea on my future and I don't want to jump into the wrong one. It's something I've been dwelling and dwelling on for years and I think I've reached the point where I'm that tense about the whole situation that I physically can't choose what to do.
I want to walk away and leave it all alone and wait for my future to come to me. (Which I know won't happen.)
I'm sorry for the aimless rambling, this post is just my current thoughts and I need to get it out. People listen to my problems but they don't help me. So I'm hoping that writing it out will make it clear for me to help myself -at some point. I don't even know, I'm sorry for there not being any sort of point to this post, just a long flow of random words that don't make all that much sense because it's typed on a whim.
*I just scrolled to the top. By jolly it's a long 'un this!*
Shaan x
I'm having one of those days where since the moment I woke up I was freaking out over 'my future' so I decided I'd have yet another day spent on google searching literally "what to do with my life." I have struggled with this for so long. I thought it would just come to me one day but it hasn't, and as every day goes by it's another day of my life being wasted away because I'm not doing anything productive. I'm not doing anything that is going to help me become my future. I just don't have the slightest clue on what I want with my life.
I want a career. I want a job I love and a job that is me. I want something impressive, I don't want to be 'Bob who worked in a bank' I want be 'Shannon! Who works as a...' but my whole life has been spent trying to fill in that blank. My ultimate life goal is to walk to work/get the train, walk in with Starbucks in hand, professional smart clothes, and people coming up straight up to me with "Shannon, John is coming round to discuss our proposal at one" "You have a meeting in ten minutes" "Barbara's on line two she wants to know the details for tonight's launch" That is what I want. I know there's no way I could do that because I don't know what job that even is!
So I think logically. What do you enjoy? Choose something you enjoy doing and work from there. Well, there's a lot of things I enjoy, I'm always taking photos, I loooove to write, I like to express myself, I like to solve my friend's problems and I like to create things. Since a child I've been making my own plays and performances for my family, I've been creating movie projects, music videos... Being creative is my niche. That's why I like makeup and enrolled on a Beauty course.
But could I do these things all day every day for the rest of my life? I don't know! And how could I make a career out of all these things? A career that ensures a good income and a stable job? I just don't feel like I could make something out of any of this. I should have studied them at GCSE level. I should have stayed on for A-levels. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes and now I'm stuck in a horrible situation.
That's why I decided to let it all go. Finish my current course going all the way with it, then travel and do the things I know I want to do with my life. Before I end up in a job or a studying situation where I physically can't travel and pursue life's dreams. So realistically, I should explore the world and myself a bit more. Write a book, be the adventurous creative me I want to be. And then when I'm settled I can go back to college/uni with a clear head, a better understanding of the world and of what I want to do as a career.
But then I'm stuck with the problem with the economy. Will I be able to get a decent enough job to fund university after my travelling days? What kind of a country will I come back to? And then there's the fact that I reeaallyyy want to go to university. Not just for career purposes, but because of the experiences it brings. But again, what the hell would I do at uni? I thought about doing anything that just interests me, just so I can experience it.
So I'm now stuck with, do I grit my teeth and go for it? My teacher at college has recommended my way of getting into uni, but it's another two years of college. Or do I just wait till I'm ready and start living my life!?
As a seventeen year old I think it's ridiculous we have to make decisions like this. I was never told about my options, no one explained to me how the world works. No one ever said that I needed A-levels for uni. And that college can end up at a very dead end. I was in a rush to get out of school because the people there brought me down and even at the end of my GCSE's I was at breaking point. Another two years there was not an option. But now I feel like I've made a huge mistake by not applying for A-levels elsewhere. It was an impulse decision to stick with my best friend because that was my only source of happiness. I did a beauty course, and I do not regret it as I've made some amazing friendships and I've learnt a lot about the subject and about myself, I've learnt how to handle things in a grown up way, how to bite my tongue, how to keep peace and how to interract with people more. Going to college has boosted my confidence levels no end. And it's my confidence which is probably my biggest downfall. I'm too scared of failure and of enrolling into something that isn't actually up my ally, and getting myself into a situation where everybody clicks together except me..
I have no clue. I wake up every day with a new idea on my future and I don't want to jump into the wrong one. It's something I've been dwelling and dwelling on for years and I think I've reached the point where I'm that tense about the whole situation that I physically can't choose what to do.
I want to walk away and leave it all alone and wait for my future to come to me. (Which I know won't happen.)
I'm sorry for the aimless rambling, this post is just my current thoughts and I need to get it out. People listen to my problems but they don't help me. So I'm hoping that writing it out will make it clear for me to help myself -at some point. I don't even know, I'm sorry for there not being any sort of point to this post, just a long flow of random words that don't make all that much sense because it's typed on a whim.
*I just scrolled to the top. By jolly it's a long 'un this!*
Shaan x
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