A Complicated Life Issue That Probably Should Be Kept Off The Internet
Life has the opportunity to become really, really, great. It may well not turn out as good as I hope, but there is an opportunity for things to be great. But I can't help feeling selfish to want it. Because for me to have this opportunity, I have to forgive two people. Two people who have caused so much wrong in my life, they are the reason behind most of my anger.
I should not forgive them, both have abused their second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth chances so I can't tell myself "it's okay to give people a second chance" because I've learnt from years of experience that that has got me nowhere. I'd decided to let one person back in yesterday, I can not forgive them just yet, but I'm lonely and I'm never out the house, so I let them back in. It's so easy to invite people into my life just to give me some new enrichment.
But following that one person, the second person wanted back in... And I have been thrown off balance, I've mentioned countless times that I've cut people out of my life and it was one of the best things I did because I didn't have to worry about them all the time, I could live my life free. Bringing these people back disrupts this system I have created for myself, I protect myself that's how I don't get hurt. And I'm making myself sound like an insecure girl who shuts everyone but I'm not that person, I just know how to avoid unnecessary stress, I found a way to do it and it works.
My method may not be totally beneficial in the long run because it does throw me off when things like this happen, but most of all I'm just scared. These people did something very wrong. That is why they aren't part of my life, but they're too important of people to kick out for good. That's why I'm so conflicted!
I have spoken to both of these people for the first time in a year and both of them are happy, and are at a sound place in their life, and I found myself longing for their life.. These people could be what kicks my arse into action, they could really benefit my life. If they remain the people I spoke to on the phone the past two days, they could fix everything.
But ethically speaking, they have done too much damage. And it's not just my life they affected, it feels selfish of me to want them back, when it's more than just me involved. It's so complicated, and this is an adult matter, from which I'm getting no adult support, because this should be my decision. I don't want to cause tension elsewhere, but the tension is already there so part of me thinks "hell, girl you do whatever the f*** you gotta do" another part is saying "this is going to change your life, give you things, motivate you to become a better person" and another part is saying "what if it all goes to pot -sure I can eeeasily pick myself back up, but will I want to pick myself back up if it falls?" and another part is saying "r u stupid. They don't even deserve ur forgiveness."
I've never felt so conflicted in my life and I have nobody to help me with this.
I'm a weak minded person, and can not stick to my guns at all, I will let these people into my life and it will be out of my conscious control. But this time it might be good to let them in. So I can only really roll with it, see where it takes me, maybe it will make me a better person, and if it falls on its face maybe I'll come out stronger.
A lot has changed this past year between all three of us, we have all individually had the world hit us in the face (me, less so than the other two) so all of us have bound to have grown, matured, learnt how to treat people... We might make something a little bit perfect out of this. Or we may have changed into complete polar opposites with nothing in common whatsoever..
I'm spending the day with one of them tomorrow, and I can't wait. That should say it all, if I'm happy then something is going right.
The day after I'm meeting the other person, which I'm a hell of a lot more nervous about but I'm smiling at the thought of that also.
This very second I've decided what I'm going to do. I'll bring these people back, I won't expect anything to be how it was, I'll just go along with everything as long as it keeps me happy. The second I start feeling that pit in my stomach, or if I decide I don't like the people they are, the point at which I stop being happy, I'll end it.
I have to think about me. This will cause tension with others, but if it benefits my life then I have to do it? I'm going to be 18 soon for heaven's sake I need to stop revolving my life around other people and think about what I want! Boom. I got this. I'm going ahead with it. Yes. Done.
Shaan.
I should not forgive them, both have abused their second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth chances so I can't tell myself "it's okay to give people a second chance" because I've learnt from years of experience that that has got me nowhere. I'd decided to let one person back in yesterday, I can not forgive them just yet, but I'm lonely and I'm never out the house, so I let them back in. It's so easy to invite people into my life just to give me some new enrichment.
But following that one person, the second person wanted back in... And I have been thrown off balance, I've mentioned countless times that I've cut people out of my life and it was one of the best things I did because I didn't have to worry about them all the time, I could live my life free. Bringing these people back disrupts this system I have created for myself, I protect myself that's how I don't get hurt. And I'm making myself sound like an insecure girl who shuts everyone but I'm not that person, I just know how to avoid unnecessary stress, I found a way to do it and it works.
My method may not be totally beneficial in the long run because it does throw me off when things like this happen, but most of all I'm just scared. These people did something very wrong. That is why they aren't part of my life, but they're too important of people to kick out for good. That's why I'm so conflicted!
I have spoken to both of these people for the first time in a year and both of them are happy, and are at a sound place in their life, and I found myself longing for their life.. These people could be what kicks my arse into action, they could really benefit my life. If they remain the people I spoke to on the phone the past two days, they could fix everything.
But ethically speaking, they have done too much damage. And it's not just my life they affected, it feels selfish of me to want them back, when it's more than just me involved. It's so complicated, and this is an adult matter, from which I'm getting no adult support, because this should be my decision. I don't want to cause tension elsewhere, but the tension is already there so part of me thinks "hell, girl you do whatever the f*** you gotta do" another part is saying "this is going to change your life, give you things, motivate you to become a better person" and another part is saying "what if it all goes to pot -sure I can eeeasily pick myself back up, but will I want to pick myself back up if it falls?" and another part is saying "r u stupid. They don't even deserve ur forgiveness."
I've never felt so conflicted in my life and I have nobody to help me with this.
I'm a weak minded person, and can not stick to my guns at all, I will let these people into my life and it will be out of my conscious control. But this time it might be good to let them in. So I can only really roll with it, see where it takes me, maybe it will make me a better person, and if it falls on its face maybe I'll come out stronger.
A lot has changed this past year between all three of us, we have all individually had the world hit us in the face (me, less so than the other two) so all of us have bound to have grown, matured, learnt how to treat people... We might make something a little bit perfect out of this. Or we may have changed into complete polar opposites with nothing in common whatsoever..
I'm spending the day with one of them tomorrow, and I can't wait. That should say it all, if I'm happy then something is going right.
The day after I'm meeting the other person, which I'm a hell of a lot more nervous about but I'm smiling at the thought of that also.
This very second I've decided what I'm going to do. I'll bring these people back, I won't expect anything to be how it was, I'll just go along with everything as long as it keeps me happy. The second I start feeling that pit in my stomach, or if I decide I don't like the people they are, the point at which I stop being happy, I'll end it.
I have to think about me. This will cause tension with others, but if it benefits my life then I have to do it? I'm going to be 18 soon for heaven's sake I need to stop revolving my life around other people and think about what I want! Boom. I got this. I'm going ahead with it. Yes. Done.
Shaan.
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